Sunday, February 27, 2011

Case of the Missing Books

Amazon recently announced that Kindle e-book sales have nearly doubled that of hardcover book sales, and predicted that e-books will soon become the more popular format. I also heard Borders bookstore is closing. Luckily my favorite independent bookstores—Rakestraw in Danville, Bay Books in San Ramon, and Towne Center Books in Pleasanton—have weathered the Big Bookstore Takeover, but this book business is changing faster than a tweet from Ashton Kutcher.

At the sold-out San Francisco Writers Conference last weekend, many of the workshops offered e-publishing classes, such as “Publishing in Cyberspace,” “Finding Your Literary Tweet Spot,” and “How to Create a Book Trailer on YouTube that Will Get as Many Hits as ‘Laughing Baby’ and ‘Stupid Pets.’”

It seems as if everyone’s interested in e-books. I must confess, I have an e-reader, mainly because I bought the hardcover version of The Autobiography of Mark Twain—all five tons of it—then had to get an e-copy so I could lift it.

Frankly, I didn’t like the e-experience. The e-book gave me no sense of how much I’d read or had left to read, other than some meaningless e-page numbers. When I read a murder mystery, I like to know how many chapters remain so I can figure out who the killer is. Can’t do that when the last page suddenly jumps in front of my eyes and the author tells me the butler did it.

When I host a book signing at the local bookstore, I like to pass out tchotchkes—things like magnetic bookmarks or “crime scene” stickers for the book cover. I can’t do that with an e-book. No bookmarks are needed with an e-book, and stickers on the cover would just obscure the contents.

I can’t read an e-book in the bathtub because if I drop it in the water—and I will—the e-gadget is ruined. On the other hand, I can save a water-dipped book by drying it out with my hair dryer (even though it expands to twice its size.) With a real book, I can underline my favorite parts, but with an e-book, the screen would soon be completely black. And I can’t lend a great new e-book I’ve just read to a friend, because what if she drops it in the bathtub?

My newest mystery, HOW TO SURVIVE A KILLER SÉANCE, is set at the Winchester Mystery House, and features a story about bringing deceased Sarah Winchester back to life via 3-D technology. I’ve set up some book signings at my favorite bookstores—Rakestraw, Bay Books, Towne Center Books—where I plan to bribe readers with fancy magnetic bookmarks (they never fall out of place), mini-Ouija Board key chains (to answer all your questions), and CSI-style evidence bags (good for keeping your lunch safe in the community refrigerator at work).

Maybe I should retitle my newest book to HOW TO SURVIVE A KILLER BUSINESS. Like Sarah Winchester, who kept building her house in order to stay alive, I’m still writing books and trying to stay alive in this rapidly changing business. But if things continue the way they are, I have a feeling books may soon be restricted to 140 twitter characters, and we’ll be reading tweet-books like, “There’s a bird stuck in my study. Or am I going nuts?.” – E.A. Poe.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Romantic Getaway

To: Kids@home.com
From: Parents@ontheroad.com


Hey kids. Surprise. We’re not home. LOL. Figuring we paid for this “recreational” monstrosity and we’d better use it, we packed up the rig and are headed for the country to enjoy a romantic Valentine’s weekend. Would you please feed the cats?

To: Kids@home.com
From: Parents@ontheroad.com


Just got here. Looking at a panorama of other ginormous motor homes nestled against a backdrop of pig and sheep stalls at some fairgrounds/RV park. Everyone has a car except us. But who needs a car when you’re in paradise, right? Must close up windows now. Smell is beginning to affect the flavor of my chocolates. How are the cats?

To: Kids@home.com
From: Parents@ontheroad.com


Problem. No cable TV here. We get only two fuzzy channels, a Spanish cartoon and an Infomercial (Remind me when I get home to buy those teeth whitening things). Beats listening to the radio. One classical station playing Chopin’s “Funeral March.” Hard to dance to.

To: Kids@home.com
From: Parents@ontheroad.com


More bad news. Computer and iPad won’t connect to the Internet. Tried 367 times to no avail. Am stuck with sending messages on cell phone. Have already made more embarrassing typos than damnyouautocorrect.com—and mine are not as funny. Thumbs are getting calloused. Do we still have cats?

To: Kids@home.com
From: Parents@ontheroad.com


Situation becoming dire. Nothing to do here but watch RVs pull in and out—all bigger and better than ours. I can see their TVs from here. Why can’t we watch “Jerry Springer” like everyone else? Brought a rom-com DVD but it was defective so had to watch “Piranha 3-D.” Turned out to be “Jaws Does Girls Gone Wild on Spring Break.” Your dad liked it. Hug our cats for us.

To: Kids@home.com
From: Parents@ontheroad.com


Beginning to abandon all hope. Have been eating non-stop since we got here, mainly out of boredom. Tried to get a game of “Bananagrams” going with an RV neighbor but they wanted to bring their dogs inside. Also tried to take a shower but the pilot light went out and your dad won’t read the 500-page manual to figure out how to turn it back on. Doesn’t matter anyway. I forgot to bring towels and the shampoo leaked all over the floor. Will use Febreze for hygiene. Tell the cats we love them.

To: Kids@home.com
From: Parents@ontheroad.com


Friends who own a winery in the area stopped by. We gave them a tour of our RV—the front seats/grandkids’ play area, the living room/extra bedroom, the dining/kitchen/hallway/rec room, and the bathroom with no towels or hot water. They brought us bottle of their expensive boutique wine, which we served with a plastic container of spreadable cheese and some Ritz crackers (all we had left). Saw their twelve-acre winery/mansion/plantation and realized we could fit our RV inside one of their bathrooms. Hate RV now. Want mansion and winery. Please clean up after cats if they puke.

To: Kids@home.com
From: Parents@ontheroad.com


Coming home early. Out of chocolate. Have lost the will to live. Feel out of place here, since we lack tattoos, NASA designed BBQ grills, and cigars. Tired of hearing your dad talk about sewers, black water, grey water, hoses, and pumps, with every other guy here. Need to return to civilization, or at least my cats. Hope they’re still alive. S.O.S.