Romantic Getaway

To: Kids@home.com
From: Parents@ontheroad.com

Hey kids. Surprise. We’re not home. LOL. Figuring we paid for this “recreational” monstrosity and we’d better use it, we packed up the rig and are headed for the country to enjoy a romantic Valentine’s weekend. Would you please feed the cats?

To: Kids@home.com
From: Parents@ontheroad.com

Just got here. Looking at a panorama of other ginormous motor homes nestled against a backdrop of pig and sheep stalls at some fairgrounds/RV park. Everyone has a car except us. But who needs a car when you’re in paradise, right? Must close up windows now. Smell is beginning to affect the flavor of my chocolates. How are the cats?

To: Kids@home.com
From: Parents@ontheroad.com

Problem. No cable TV here. We get only two fuzzy channels, a Spanish cartoon and an Infomercial (Remind me when I get home to buy those teeth whitening things). Beats listening to the radio. One classical station playing Chopin’s “Funeral March.” Hard to dance to.

To: Kids@home.com
From: Parents@ontheroad.com

More bad news. Computer and iPad won’t connect to the Internet. Tried 367 times to no avail. Am stuck with sending messages on cell phone. Have already made more embarrassing typos than damnyouautocorrect.com—and mine are not as funny. Thumbs are getting calloused. Do we still have cats?

To: Kids@home.com
From: Parents@ontheroad.com

Situation becoming dire. Nothing to do here but watch RVs pull in and out—all bigger and better than ours. I can see their TVs from here. Why can’t we watch “Jerry Springer” like everyone else? Brought a rom-com DVD but it was defective so had to watch “Piranha 3-D.” Turned out to be “Jaws Does Girls Gone Wild on Spring Break.” Your dad liked it. Hug our cats for us.

To: Kids@home.com
From: Parents@ontheroad.com

Beginning to abandon all hope. Have been eating non-stop since we got here, mainly out of boredom. Tried to get a game of “Bananagrams” going with an RV neighbor but they wanted to bring their dogs inside. Also tried to take a shower but the pilot light went out and your dad won’t read the 500-page manual to figure out how to turn it back on. Doesn’t matter anyway. I forgot to bring towels and the shampoo leaked all over the floor. Will use Febreze for hygiene. Tell the cats we love them.

To: Kids@home.com
From: Parents@ontheroad.com

Friends who own a winery in the area stopped by. We gave them a tour of our RV—the front seats/grandkids’ play area, the living room/extra bedroom, the dining/kitchen/hallway/rec room, and the bathroom with no towels or hot water. They brought us bottle of their expensive boutique wine, which we served with a plastic container of spreadable cheese and some Ritz crackers (all we had left). Saw their twelve-acre winery/mansion/plantation and realized we could fit our RV inside one of their bathrooms. Hate RV now. Want mansion and winery. Please clean up after cats if they puke.

To: Kids@home.com
From: Parents@ontheroad.com

Coming home early. Out of chocolate. Have lost the will to live. Feel out of place here, since we lack tattoos, NASA designed BBQ grills, and cigars. Tired of hearing your dad talk about sewers, black water, grey water, hoses, and pumps, with every other guy here. Need to return to civilization, or at least my cats. Hope they’re still alive. S.O.S.