Sunday, January 2, 2011

I resolve to make some resolutions

It’s the second day into the New Year and already I’ve broken all ten of my New Year’s Resolutions.
1. No fudge before breakfast. (Too late.)
2. Watch less TV. (Dr. Oz is talking about Kegels right now.)
3. Shop less. (Broke that one before the stores even opened on New Year’s Day.)
4. Exercise more. (Help, I’m sitting, and I can’t get off the couch…)
5. Cook more. (Yes, more fudge. I’m running low.)
6. Diet more. (Maybe when they invent a diet fudge.)
7. Clean house more. (Isn’t that what room deodorizers are for?)
8. Add more people to my Facebook. (So it feels like I have friends.)
9. Read instructions for all my electronic gadgets. (Is there an app for that?)
10. Write a Pulitzer Prize-winning column. (This could be the one.)

Aw, who am I kidding? I make new resolutions every morning, not just every year, and break them before I’ve had my fudge breakfast. Then I get depressed and realize I’ll never be thinner, toner, richer, healthier, smarter, cleaner, friendlier or prize-winning.

According to, only 52% of resolvers honestly believe they’re capable of keeping their resolutions. Only 12% were actually successful (and they’re probably lying, which was not one of their New Year’s Resolutions.)

The site also offers tips on how to help you make realistic New Year’s Resolutions you can keep, such as:

1. Be specific, not vague. Don’t resolve to “lose weight.” Resolve to lose one pound in the next year. Surely I can do that, if I find some diet fudge.

2. Make it an important resolution that impacts your life. Don’t resolve to “Clean House,” when that really doesn’t add any value to your life. Instead, resolve to “Pick up anything that might trip you in the middle of the night when you go in search of fudge.”

3. Don’t confuse resolutions with self-gratifying promises. Don’t claim you’re going to go to Hawaii once a month because you need to de-stress and eat more pineapple fudge. You can do that in the bathtub.

4. Set long-term goals. Instead of resolving to “lose weight, eat right, and exercise regularly,” turn that resolution into a life-time objective: “Be perfect.”

5. Stay away from the trite resolutions you make every year and come up with some that are fresh and original. This year mine is to watch “Joisey Showah” so I can converse with my students about Pukie and her friend The Condition.

6. Fine tune the resolution over time to fit reality. For example, resolve “Not to eat fudge before breakfast.” Then modify it to “Okay, eat fudge for breakfast, but cut out pie, cake, and cookies.” Then eventually downsize it to “Only eat fudge when stressed.” And finally “Eat fudge in lieu of everything else and wear Spanx.”

7. And last, begin those resolutions RIGHT NOW, before you realize resolutions are the ultimate cause of stress and that stress can be cured by…wait for it—fudge.
By the way, if you do decide to cut out fudge, there’s nothing in those resolutions that says you have to stop eating chocolate chip cookies. And you can always make that next year’s resolution.

Reach Penny Warner at