A day in the glamorous life...

Adam Mansbach, the author of Go The Heck To Sleep (or something like that), became a bestselling children’s writer BEFORE his book was even published. Now he’s richer than Donald Trump (probably) and more famous than Harry Potter.

I thought that when I became a writer, fame, fortune, and a glamorous life would follow—margarita lunches with editors, world tours with publicists, and intimate chats with Oprah (oops, missed that window.)

The truth is, for most writers, the literary life is about as fictional as a character in a Dan Brown novel. I should know. I live it every day. Here’s a sample of my literary life, in case you were wondering why you haven’t seen me on “The Jerry Springer Show” yet (he still won’t return my calls.)

6:00 am – Still asleep. Are you kidding me?

7:00 am – Open one eye. Find three cats sleeping on my legs. Legs are numb. Dreamed I was paralyzed. Get the newspaper. Scan the obits to see if anyone my age has died.

7:30 am –Roll out of bed, trying not to disturb cats. Take shower, dress, put on makeup so I don’t frighten my cats or grandchildren.

8:00 am – Feed cats, take drugs, and open laptop. Check email. Ignore irate letter regarding my gall bladder surgery column. Reply to a dozen Facebook posts regarding a spelling error I made. Watch six videos from my cousin featuring funny animals.

9:00 am - Read publishing newsletter to find out how much other writers like Adam Mansbach are making instead of me. Say “heck” a lot—out loud. Google my name and find an article about “Penny Warner coping with head lice.” Different Penny Warner.

9:30 am – Decide I should get to work, since I have a book due in two weeks and am only half way through the rewrites. Think about making a margarita.

Noon - Stomach growling, brain fried. Treat myself to a trip to Target to get some exercise walking the aisles and buy candy. Purchase colored chalk for the grandkids. Eat a pizza to replenish energy.

1:00 pm – Return home, exhausted from Target exercise and sleepy from eating Target pizza. Check what’s on Syfy, FX, Chiller, Lifetime, and TCM. Seen everything. Take a nap.

3:00 pm – Wake up to find grandkids standing over my bed yelling, “She’s awake! She’s awake!” Play with them for the next couple of hours instead of getting back to work. Driveway is soon covered with multicolored chalk. Kids drew super heroes. I drew murder weapons.

5:00 pm – Say goodbye to grandkids and have a “glass” of wine. Wonder if there’s still time in my life to become an alcoholic. Watch news. Nothing about me.

6:00 pm – Eat dinner of leftovers—chicken thigh, Chinese takeout, and egg salad. Take Zantac and other drugs and wash them down with another “glass” of wine. Husband asks how book is coming. Wonder if wine bottle has been used as a murder weapon.

8:00 pm – Watch “My Yard Goes Disney” and “Cupcake Wars” to relax. Decide a Cupcake Mystery set in Disneyland would sell a heckalot of books.

10:00 pm – Go to bed and read a Rubber Stamping Mystery. Fall asleep and dream about being stamped to death by my own grandkids while trying to write a sequel to “Go the Heck to Sleep.”