NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS...AND CAVEATS

I SPENT A LONG TIME making my list of New Year's resolutions — about as long as it takes for me to shower. That's where I do my best resolution work.

I came up with a bunch of resolutions that I plan to keep this time — more or less.
Caveat: This should not be considered a legal document.

First, I plan to save more money and shop less. That means I'll buy underpants and other necessities by the crate at the big-box stores instead of hitting the mall twice a day.
Caveat: Unless there's a sale at Victoria's Secret.

I plan to exercise more and sit less on my rear. That means I'll get my own snack from the refrigerator when I'm hungry instead of waiting for my husband to return home from work and bring it to me.
Caveat: Unless my grandson is tall enough to reach the snack shelf.

I plan to cook more and dine out less. That means the kitchen will be littered with snack wrappers and frozen food boxes instead of doggy bags and restaurant receipts.
Caveat: Unless there's a new menu at the Peasant and the Pear.

I plan to spend more time with my grandchildren before they're all grown up and less time doing things that can wait. That means I'll be playing Mario Brothers marathons and having tea parties instead of showering, brushing my teeth and changing out of my bathrobe.
Caveat: Unless I have an urgent scrapbooking page to complete.

I plan to clean the house more and let the cat hair pile up less. That means I'll be buying a new vacuum cleaner (because there may be an actual cat in the old one), instead of just moving to a new house.
Caveat: Unless the Winchester Mystery House goes up for sale.

I plan to use Facebook more and e-mail less. That means I can send all my Facebook friends the same personal note all at once instead of copying and pasting it into an e-mail over and over.
Caveat: Unless I push the wrong button and send an embarrassing mass message that features video footage of my colonoscopy.

I plan to diet more and weigh less. That means I'll have to cut out all food instead of trying to duct tape my pants together.
Caveat: Unless it's chocolate. Obviously.

I plan to read more books and watch less TV. That means I'll be looking for books with titles like "E! News Daily" and "So You Think You Can Dance" instead of wasting time watching them on TV.
Caveat: Unless there's a Three Stooges marathon on.

I plan to be a more hip and inspiring teacher like Will Schuester on "Glee" and a less boring lecturer like that guy from "Ferris Bueller's Day Off." That means I'll sing and dance to cool music in class instead of blabbing on about the "theoretical frameworks and cultural rituals of childhood in the diverse contexts of ecological semiotic, and sociolinguistic terms."
Caveat: Unless they boo me off the stage.

Yep, these are my New Year's resolutions. More or less. Unless...