A SCARY HALLOWEEN

As if the economy isn’t scary enough, now it’s time to celebrate Halloween. I think a few ugly masks and blood-spattered costumes pale in view of our country’s financial portfolio, but I have noticed that Halloween has amped up over the past few years.

Remember when we used to set a carved pumpkin on the front porch, buy a bunch of our favorite candies, and get ready to greet the ghosts and goblins that rang our doorbells? Now the neighborhood is filled with gruesome graveyards, mega-monsters, and scary, screeching sounds.

To get in the mood, I took a trip to the giant Scary Halloween Store to see what was new in the haunted house department. Whoa—this ain’t my grandma’s Halloween store! No wax lips or witches fingernails. No pretty princess or fairy costumes. Not even a clown nose for sale.

Instead, this is the place to buy real fog machines that cover your lawn in an eerie mist. Or jack-in-a-box style monsters that pop out of crypts to startle the kids out of their wits. Or life-size tombs with life-size corpses for life-sized thrills. Yes, this is the place where you see dead people. And they’re covered in blood and guts.

You won’t find any light-hearted Disney-style costumes there, like Prince Charming or Peter Pan. It’s strictly horror-movie genre now, with such evil creatures as the guy from Scream, the guy from Halloween, and the guy from the white house. And those are just the guy costumes.

The girl costumes seem to come from X-rated movies, like “Cinderella the Skank,” “Snow White the Dominatrix,” and “Little Bo Peepshow.” I thought about trying one on, but I just didn’t have the courage—or the body. As for cute costumes, these are apparently reserved for pets. Your cat or dog can now dress up as a “Super Pup,” “Cop Kitty,” or “Yoda.” Sounds like pet abuse to me—someone call the ASPCA.

Wandering through the store, past the Beheaded Corpse Bride, the Toxic Zombie in a Can, and the Electrocution Chamber, I found the Body Parts section. I had my choice of severed arms, bloody legs, chopped off hands and feet, loose eyeballs, a slimy brain, and what looked like a still-beating heart. Be still my own beating heart.

The next room held the must-have accessorizes to complete your creep show look. I could choose from a variety of hooks, blades, razors, hacksaws, chain saws, and buzz saws to go with every outfit. Or I could pick out a fright wig, a leather whip, a pair of devil horns, a glow-in-the-dark nose ring, or even a remote-controlled pet rat.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m a big fan of Halloween—it’s my favorite holiday. I drive an orange car that looks like a pumpkin. I wear black t-shirts with rhinestone bats on the front. My ring tone is the theme from “Halloween.” I watch reruns of “Spiders 3” and “The Presidential Debates” on Chiller TV. And I manage to consume several bowls of Mounds bars and Malted Milk Balls before the doorbell rings.

But this year, there are some things too scary for even me this Halloween. While the economy may cause a few restless nights, global warming may give me a chill, and the price of gas may occasionally stop my heart, it’s the thought that there are only 55 days left before Christmas that really gives me nightmares.